The Seven Trials of Tesco.

This morning I woke up absolutely dreading going to work. I'm not sure exactly what I was dreading but there's a few valid potential reasons. Anyway I hauled myself out of bed and walked the novelty short distance to the bus stop. On the bus I met beast who had far more reason to dread going to work as he was late due to there being no earlier buses yet his management were readying to give him a disciplinary on his arrival, even though it was his first proper late in three years. Obviously I was gutted for him but his misfortune did help me get a bit more enthusiastic about going to work. It turned out to be an okay day; nothing beyond minor annoyances to detract and nothing amazing. It was relatively busy but 75% of the customers were "browsers"; a totally acceptable thing to be but their presence makes managers give us a hard time because we're not looming over their necks forcing them to buy stuff. If a browser walks out without making a purchase, we have essentially failed in their opinions. End of low level rant. After work I went to Tesco with my family to accomplish the weekly shop as with no internet we can't get it delivered as we usually do. It was a truly abhorrent, scarring experience, with such a large proportion of tortured souls wandering aimlessly for hours, days, even weeks on end in vain attempts of finding the items they are looking for in the endless Narnia of sky high shelves. The signage only prolongs the agony as in one example I found the Quorn goods in a section marked 'soups'. Eventually we completed the hunt and I went to pay for a couple of items at the self service desk while my parents paid for their goods. These machines are the most heinous, deceiving part of the whole sadistic labyrinth. They lure you in with the promise of cutting queues and the novelty of doing the 'beepy barcode bit' yourself. But when you get there amd scan a couple of items, thus commiting yourself to the trial you discover it is the final challenge set by the blue striped overlords, designed with the sole intention of ending the lives, or st least diminishing the sanity, of those who have made it this far. You scan a loaf of bread and place it in the sacred bagging area, where the omniscient voice of judgement declares "please place item in bagging area". After shuffling the bread around and forceably placing it on the desk as though the inanimate machine will heed your over dramatic movements, one of the slaves of the underworld approaches, their limp soulless faces contorting into some sort of smile, clearly mocking your mortal existence, knowing that you are one basketfull of items (ten or less) away from becoming one of their kind. You eventually work through your load of items and proceed to the payment screen. here the machine senses you are strong, having not yet succumbed to the draw of the darkness and shows that it has become self aware, tricking you by boldly declaring "unexpected item in bagging area, please remove item". This last attempt comes close to working, making you think you will be framed for attempting to steal your items, you panic, wondering what will become of you, until one of the fallen ones approaches, sensing the strength in you that they had not mustered when facing the final task. They commit themselves to eternal damnation by waving the barcode suspended around their neck across the lasers, overriding the system, allowing you to complete the task. Finally you must ensure you have remembered the passcode to your funds and are then granted exit from the trial. You glance back at your rescuers who waves you goodbye, a solemn goodbye as while you have completed the trials and are finally leaving to return to your life in the outside world, you know they never will. They are doomed to an eternity of enslavery in the labyrinth of torture..... all in all it was an okay day, and tomorrows my Mums birthday, though I'm working all day so won't be involved in Amy celebrations. Song of the day is Year 3000 by Busted because I found my Busted t shirt from 2004 and it still fits. AWESOME!