G.I. Joe + Saw V + Shrooms

Due to my abundance of extra flesh I have joined Anthony Lane on his quest to lose a stone in a month - after 3 days I am on target, having lost about 2 lbs. Success.

Less successful was yesterdays trip to the cinema - due to Belladrum only me and Danny went, and we saw G.I. Joe. It sucked. Now in more detail;

I went to the cinema expecting a Michael Bay-esque barrage of explosions and special effects with a light plot connecting these. However these lowly expectations were bitterly crushed by this cinematic atrocity. Where to begin? Glaring errors are in the CGI, of which there is plenty - featuring planes and other block objects most of the time, it shouldn't have been too hard, but in almost every CGI scene lighting, focus, scale and such are completely different to the surrounding areas. Very near the beginning is a shot of Army Jeeps leaving the base; apache helicopters fly overhead. These helicopters are lit differently to the "real" parts, appear the same size as a jeep, fly very fast about one foot over the ground, and are not matched to the movement of the camera, so are jerking around. The effects rarely surpass this standard; jets' wings dissappear into the ground on take-off, one jet inexplicably shrink in front of your eyes. In one scene in particular; a chase scene in Paris; a driver of a Hummer presses a button making a large scoop/spike contraption anfold from the front bumper. This shot's CGI is, with no exaggeration, the quality of a previsualisation (a very low-quality cgi rendering of a scene to test camera angles etc). In many films, I am not bothered about poor FX, but this is a film relying heavily on action scenes, so good CGI is very much required. Now on to the plot - unfortunately it is not a light, wafer-thin plot of a michael bay film; I say unfortunately as that would be better than the ridiculous plot we are given, with a couple of shamefully melodramatic sideplots conveyed through disorientating flashbacks. The portralay of all characters who weren't white americans was stereotypical at best; to quote the scottish villian; "You got the caber out of the park this time!", of course spoken in an accent worse than any forced scottish accent I've heard; the token black guy was unfunny; the japanese characters had some of the best scenes, but were at times ridiculous too (a motorised shuriken?). Action scenes were okay, ignoring the CGI choreography was inconsistant, but at times quite good, but the major chase scene in Paris is devoid of any geographical accuracy (they jump from one side of Paris to another instantly), is at times completely incoherent, and the outcome is spoiled in the trailers, as the only scene with good CGI. Almost every aspect of the film was either a failure or unnessecary, except of course for the final act of the film... this part I had to save for last, as it was the last nail in the coffin for me. The final scenes are comprised of multiple fights happening simultaneously between main characters; the two which take the centre stage are completely ripped from Star Wars films! The main underwater battle is ripped from elements of both Death Star battles; I can assure you of this, as Danny was able to guess what would happen in each scene based on his knowledge of the Star Wars plot; even, at one pivotal scene, down to the camera angle. The second battle is that of the two Ninja-like characters; this is lifted from the final battle of Phantom Menace with Darth Maul - the location, similar choreography, lifted lines, and an IDENTICAL ending.
Overall, it is a film with so many flaws that it actually becomes quite funny. Interestingly, the moments at which we laughed least were the comedy scenes. Packed with flaws by the minute, it is apparently aimed for people who have recently had a full lobotomy. However, as I an a huge fan of "so-good-it's-bad" movies, I did find this a lot of fun, just not in the way it was intended. Nonetheless, enjoying it's badness does not give it a good rating, so I give it 1/10.

Also, I watched Saw V. It's no longer the puzzle-solving tension of the first one, but a battle of wits between various individuals with a lot of moral questions raised of all characters. Much much better than the other sequels, and I don't think anything will match the original. Bring on saw VI. 8/10.

Shrooms. It was not at all scary, I hated the characters, and I have no idea how I managed to watch the whole film. The talking cow seemed like it would be a turning point in the film, but it continued to be a dull, lifeless, scareless yarn. The film is made up of various back stories being formed, and the ending was sure to either be all of these stories converging to make a shocking, well-thought-out climax, or a boring, uninspired pity of a twist, making much of the film pointless. I'll leave it to you to guess which it is. 2/10.